A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
