Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
