in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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