I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
