I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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