Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
