Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
