oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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