Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
