I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
