just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
