Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
