My room smells like vodka and shame
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
