You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
