if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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