I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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