If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
