God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
