I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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