You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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