they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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