DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
