There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
