dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
