True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
