just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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