There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
