Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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