i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
