i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
