my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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