my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
