So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
