I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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