You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
