just tell him i said nine months
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
