you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
