Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
