My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
