my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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