My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
