we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
