New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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