omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
