if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
