i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
