I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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