I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
