My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
