awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
