I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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