i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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